the learning of darkness

the pale gold curtain filters a sliver of light
then you spring to mind
reading books to get lost in
and get lost I did in tales of other peoples lives

you gravitated to her bed, not yours
as if her perfumed presence
lingering in the unmade bed would heal you
the learning of darkness 

i watched you lying there
and fearful you would rebuff my feelings
or my move towards you
i stood still in the doorway
watching until you fell asleep
then i covered you
reading books to get lost in
and get lost I did in tales of other people’s lives

the card you gave me on my birthday, said “i need a hug”
i loved you so fiercely in that moment
the learning of darkness

now i know its what you wanted all along
and what i needed too
but you and I were schooled
in the language of silence
in the language of holding back
we did not learn how to swim in the bittersweetness of letting go
reading books to get lost in
and get lost I did in tales of other people’s lives

i believe you are at peace now
as you once were in her womb
released of all that anger and fear
that finally consumed you so
the learning of darkness

now like you
i am struggling to release a raging anger
i am learning to face a consuming fear
and i am recognising my insatiable need to be held
but mostly i am learning
how to hold myself 

i still read books to get lost in
and get lost i do
but finally now i am losing myself
in the tale of my life
is this is the learning?

© BSchouw 19 August 2013